A month has since passed to the beginning of the eternal journey of my father, who left this world for heavens on 27Th May 2009. Both of our parents left us within a span of 7 months and perhaps that was the reason for our deepest anguish and sorrow.
I have no right words to begin a tribute to my father. His departure to heavens is not easy for all of us to digest and forget. Whenever I visit my dad's house, I feel, there he would come out of his room, just buttoning his shirt, and would ask, when did you come, my son ?
I still wish, that mobile would ring and "Papaji Calling..." appears on the mobile screen. I am dying for such a call to come at least once...I still wish that he sits by my side in my car and keep telling me to drive slowly and safely, as reaching home was more important than how you fared on the highways.
I had for several days kept praying God to send him back to me for the last time, so that at least I could have asked his last wish. For few days after his demise, I continuously went to his bed wishing foolishly that from somewhere he would appear and talk to me.
While preparing for his last journey, I, after fixing up his body tightly on the death-bed, looked towards heaven for his approval, thinking I might see him somewhere up in the sky and get his approval for what I was doing to his soulless body. But the stark reality had fallen on me, that he was never ever going to complain, if he was being hurt nor he would ever answer my any calls for help or advice on any day through out my life. This time he had gone for forever.
I find myself the most unlucky son, as on both the occasion of when my mother and then my father left for eternal journey, I was not present to at least ask them, what was their last wish. The realization that he was gone forever was very difficult to accept and there were occasions when I cried, when as a young child, I cried for some toys to be purchased in the market or fair and was insisting on something, I always wanted. Dad would fulfill my that wish by buying me that toy or thing and then I would stop crying, happily wondering about the new toy. But this time it was the him, who always consoled me, had gone forever.
Stark reality was slowing dawning on me that I needed to control my berserk emotions, which I tried initially, but all in vain. I realized that what I was willing and asking for, was not possible and had never ever happened to anybody.
On the morning of 27Th May 2009, I was just helping out my wife as we were planning a renovation of our kitchen. The final touches were being given for the new temporary shifting of kitchen, since we were expecting the work to begin on the same day. I was about t to fix up the gas connection, my phone rang, brother was on the phone, he just said that the Papa was unconscious and wanted me to reach urgently. It took me another ten minutes, to reach his place about 6 Km. away from my house. During the drive I was preparing myself for his hospitalization and feared deep inside for a paralytic attack sort of thing, since he suffered from high B.P.
On reaching home, we decided to take him to hospital. While taking him out I thought that he might be listening to what we were talking. His face had a determination to fight, perhaps the fight with the death, in which he perhaps knew he would be defeated. He must have had continued with that fight for self respect till his last breath. Perhaps he was a better fighter than I actually knew him to be.
As papa and Dilipbhai, my cousin sat on the back seat while I drove the car along with Dr.Gopal, our neighbor, took him to a local hospital. While wife and brother came by another car. We waited outside the hospital gate while cousin and Dr.Gopal went inside for the doctors present at the hospital to come and examine him.
By this time around I had started to feel that something was wrong. As I was recollecting the events, when we left for the hospital. Dr.Gopal who initially wanted to go to Godrej Hospital, but later changed to local one, known to him. His sudden change of decision, though, was in consultation with my cosine, Dilipbhai, wherein I was not present. But our Mother was taken to the same hospital when she had expired, for second opinion on her death. Those were the most anxious moment of my life. I feared the worst, but still his death...... never ever came to my mind.
While his face never looked like that of a person who was no more., I could feel his body heat. (This happened since he had just died.) So I was preparing myself for much longer war for his recovery and hence contemplating that he might be shifted to even bigger hospital than Godrej, after giving him some first aid sort of treatment in this local hospital.
I still remember the words as said by the another doctor at the hospital, "he is no more...."
Those words shook my whole world. I felt like falling from top of the mountain into a deep dark cliff, where the end was not in sight.
So far I had liked to be one of the spoiled and irresponsible chap. I had habit of hiding behind my father whenever there was something which required my physical presence or my personal decisions. I left everything to Papa. He called me several times, in last few days, when he was preparing his final WILL. But I evaded his attempts to reach me on such subjects. As I kept on yelling at him that it was not the right time to even prepare the WILL, and he will live for long with us.
His words are hunting me and hunting me hard, now. He told me once, when mother was in hospital in very serious condition and doctors had unsuccessfully tried their best, that he was feeling that he would die soon, and he can not live without our mother, which I never took seriously. Actually I had never ever imagined a life, forget even my existence without him. I never ever thought about myself to be in a situation like this, if he was not to be there to guide me and protect me. Later on, thinking about him, I realized that never for a second I had imagined that I have to live one day without him. That feeling is killing me, even now.
The feeling which I harbored now are very peculiar. Being elder in the family, now I am going to be looked upon for guidance and all family related relations and responsibility, which I am not used to, because I never took Papa seriously when he tried to tell and teach me few things. Now I fear that I would surely bungle in performing my duties.
I envy him as he attained worldly freedom and I was completely shackled into chains of worldly responsibilities. I feel being ditched by him and if allowed to meet him once in my life time, I will lodge a very strong protest for the same. Actually not only me, but all who knew him were taken aback on hearing about his demise. He looked absolutely healthy and fine and had no known illness, except the blood pressure.
His profound insistence that he never liked somebody troubled because of him, stayed with him till his last breath. He did not allow any of us even a chance to look after him, take care and do little nursing for him.
It was his nature of never to trouble anyone at anytime let alone me or my brother. He was a person who was worried for everyone, to whom he knew. At times he would come to my house in the late evening at around 9.00 p.m. and leave at 10.00 p.m. as he would insist that I do not change my routine of getting up early in the morning, besides the one liner which was his favourite, " I am free." He was just always willing to help each and everybody let alone the family.
He always refused, whenever I offered him to drop him at Vikhroli home, from my home. Saying that he did not like me to drop him,as I might have had tired. besides he would insist that..." I am Free!"
He took all the responsibility for looking after mother, even when she was in hospital for quite some time. He saw that none of us exhausted and was always there to sooth our anxiety, tiredness. He maintained all sort of communications with doctors, nurses and even the ward boys.
What my father always insisted on the humanity and humility. He never believed in going to temple or STHANAK and perform rituals. He always said that the God wants us to show humanity and we just need to be humans. I have very few remembrances where he would insist on performing rituals. This was soul of the highest standards. There can not be any place except the heaven, for such s soul. And he always deserved that.
It was a thing or two to be leaned from him. he made himself so humble and full of humility that
He had retired as Chief Officer with MHADA, Nashik, an authority under Government of Maharashtra, India. He joined MHADA as junior civil engineer, just two years before my birth. He steered to such a highest post in nashik divsion, with his honesty, humanity and humility. He was simple down to earth man. He perhaps never made money, but with peace and respect he died, was his reward for the character he lived his life.
With the passage of time we tend to feel reduction in pain in our heart. Sometime you have to divert your mind and emotions to look after those behind, whose well being becomes your responsibility. Its the practice of this world, we perhaps shall never forget our loved ones but with the time our heart stops crying and accepts the reality. We slowly start to re-collect ourselves and ponder over the entire issues at hand. Our priorities change slowly and we willingly or unwillingly go back to our routine.
(I had been really very much upset over his death and I did commit few mistakes while and during the trouble which I faced emotionally after his demise. The foremost was I could not inform many of my friends and few of our relatives about the same, as I was not in position to inform everyone, since it was done by other family members. I did call them up after the prayers were over on Thursday. Some of them accepted what I told them. Few of them found it offending and difficult to digest and stayed away citing reasons they deemed right. But then there is absolutely no issues with anybody.)
I have no right words to begin a tribute to my father. His departure to heavens is not easy for all of us to digest and forget. Whenever I visit my dad's house, I feel, there he would come out of his room, just buttoning his shirt, and would ask, when did you come, my son ?
I still wish, that mobile would ring and "Papaji Calling..." appears on the mobile screen. I am dying for such a call to come at least once...I still wish that he sits by my side in my car and keep telling me to drive slowly and safely, as reaching home was more important than how you fared on the highways.
I had for several days kept praying God to send him back to me for the last time, so that at least I could have asked his last wish. For few days after his demise, I continuously went to his bed wishing foolishly that from somewhere he would appear and talk to me.
While preparing for his last journey, I, after fixing up his body tightly on the death-bed, looked towards heaven for his approval, thinking I might see him somewhere up in the sky and get his approval for what I was doing to his soulless body. But the stark reality had fallen on me, that he was never ever going to complain, if he was being hurt nor he would ever answer my any calls for help or advice on any day through out my life. This time he had gone for forever.
I find myself the most unlucky son, as on both the occasion of when my mother and then my father left for eternal journey, I was not present to at least ask them, what was their last wish. The realization that he was gone forever was very difficult to accept and there were occasions when I cried, when as a young child, I cried for some toys to be purchased in the market or fair and was insisting on something, I always wanted. Dad would fulfill my that wish by buying me that toy or thing and then I would stop crying, happily wondering about the new toy. But this time it was the him, who always consoled me, had gone forever.
Stark reality was slowing dawning on me that I needed to control my berserk emotions, which I tried initially, but all in vain. I realized that what I was willing and asking for, was not possible and had never ever happened to anybody.
On the morning of 27Th May 2009, I was just helping out my wife as we were planning a renovation of our kitchen. The final touches were being given for the new temporary shifting of kitchen, since we were expecting the work to begin on the same day. I was about t to fix up the gas connection, my phone rang, brother was on the phone, he just said that the Papa was unconscious and wanted me to reach urgently. It took me another ten minutes, to reach his place about 6 Km. away from my house. During the drive I was preparing myself for his hospitalization and feared deep inside for a paralytic attack sort of thing, since he suffered from high B.P.
On reaching home, we decided to take him to hospital. While taking him out I thought that he might be listening to what we were talking. His face had a determination to fight, perhaps the fight with the death, in which he perhaps knew he would be defeated. He must have had continued with that fight for self respect till his last breath. Perhaps he was a better fighter than I actually knew him to be.
As papa and Dilipbhai, my cousin sat on the back seat while I drove the car along with Dr.Gopal, our neighbor, took him to a local hospital. While wife and brother came by another car. We waited outside the hospital gate while cousin and Dr.Gopal went inside for the doctors present at the hospital to come and examine him.
By this time around I had started to feel that something was wrong. As I was recollecting the events, when we left for the hospital. Dr.Gopal who initially wanted to go to Godrej Hospital, but later changed to local one, known to him. His sudden change of decision, though, was in consultation with my cosine, Dilipbhai, wherein I was not present. But our Mother was taken to the same hospital when she had expired, for second opinion on her death. Those were the most anxious moment of my life. I feared the worst, but still his death...... never ever came to my mind.
While his face never looked like that of a person who was no more., I could feel his body heat. (This happened since he had just died.) So I was preparing myself for much longer war for his recovery and hence contemplating that he might be shifted to even bigger hospital than Godrej, after giving him some first aid sort of treatment in this local hospital.
I still remember the words as said by the another doctor at the hospital, "he is no more...."
Those words shook my whole world. I felt like falling from top of the mountain into a deep dark cliff, where the end was not in sight.
So far I had liked to be one of the spoiled and irresponsible chap. I had habit of hiding behind my father whenever there was something which required my physical presence or my personal decisions. I left everything to Papa. He called me several times, in last few days, when he was preparing his final WILL. But I evaded his attempts to reach me on such subjects. As I kept on yelling at him that it was not the right time to even prepare the WILL, and he will live for long with us.
His words are hunting me and hunting me hard, now. He told me once, when mother was in hospital in very serious condition and doctors had unsuccessfully tried their best, that he was feeling that he would die soon, and he can not live without our mother, which I never took seriously. Actually I had never ever imagined a life, forget even my existence without him. I never ever thought about myself to be in a situation like this, if he was not to be there to guide me and protect me. Later on, thinking about him, I realized that never for a second I had imagined that I have to live one day without him. That feeling is killing me, even now.
The feeling which I harbored now are very peculiar. Being elder in the family, now I am going to be looked upon for guidance and all family related relations and responsibility, which I am not used to, because I never took Papa seriously when he tried to tell and teach me few things. Now I fear that I would surely bungle in performing my duties.
I envy him as he attained worldly freedom and I was completely shackled into chains of worldly responsibilities. I feel being ditched by him and if allowed to meet him once in my life time, I will lodge a very strong protest for the same. Actually not only me, but all who knew him were taken aback on hearing about his demise. He looked absolutely healthy and fine and had no known illness, except the blood pressure.
His profound insistence that he never liked somebody troubled because of him, stayed with him till his last breath. He did not allow any of us even a chance to look after him, take care and do little nursing for him.
It was his nature of never to trouble anyone at anytime let alone me or my brother. He was a person who was worried for everyone, to whom he knew. At times he would come to my house in the late evening at around 9.00 p.m. and leave at 10.00 p.m. as he would insist that I do not change my routine of getting up early in the morning, besides the one liner which was his favourite, " I am free." He was just always willing to help each and everybody let alone the family.
He always refused, whenever I offered him to drop him at Vikhroli home, from my home. Saying that he did not like me to drop him,as I might have had tired. besides he would insist that..." I am Free!"
He took all the responsibility for looking after mother, even when she was in hospital for quite some time. He saw that none of us exhausted and was always there to sooth our anxiety, tiredness. He maintained all sort of communications with doctors, nurses and even the ward boys.
What my father always insisted on the humanity and humility. He never believed in going to temple or STHANAK and perform rituals. He always said that the God wants us to show humanity and we just need to be humans. I have very few remembrances where he would insist on performing rituals. This was soul of the highest standards. There can not be any place except the heaven, for such s soul. And he always deserved that.
It was a thing or two to be leaned from him. he made himself so humble and full of humility that
He had retired as Chief Officer with MHADA, Nashik, an authority under Government of Maharashtra, India. He joined MHADA as junior civil engineer, just two years before my birth. He steered to such a highest post in nashik divsion, with his honesty, humanity and humility. He was simple down to earth man. He perhaps never made money, but with peace and respect he died, was his reward for the character he lived his life.
With the passage of time we tend to feel reduction in pain in our heart. Sometime you have to divert your mind and emotions to look after those behind, whose well being becomes your responsibility. Its the practice of this world, we perhaps shall never forget our loved ones but with the time our heart stops crying and accepts the reality. We slowly start to re-collect ourselves and ponder over the entire issues at hand. Our priorities change slowly and we willingly or unwillingly go back to our routine.
(I had been really very much upset over his death and I did commit few mistakes while and during the trouble which I faced emotionally after his demise. The foremost was I could not inform many of my friends and few of our relatives about the same, as I was not in position to inform everyone, since it was done by other family members. I did call them up after the prayers were over on Thursday. Some of them accepted what I told them. Few of them found it offending and difficult to digest and stayed away citing reasons they deemed right. But then there is absolutely no issues with anybody.)
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1 comment:
hi kaka
u no ur tribut has shown me many different phases of life that this is one of the part of the life, u can call it as ur duty but still this duty or rituals are the toughest time of anyones life.
still u have performed ur each and every duty as it has to be and u will be performing it better in ur future because we all are there with you, to share , laugh , cry and hold ur hand when u require.
dont feel that kaka has gone but feel him with you as he is there always with you and giving u many blessing to be a good human being.
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